Confessions of a Rusher
by ArianamaslowBTR25
Summary: Semi-Official BTR One-Shot day. i know this is incredibly late, but i needed it to be perfect. read the


**I know** **that this is terribly late for BTR semi-official one shot day 2013, but I needed time to get this to come out exactly the way I wanted it to. This is pretty different from my usual writing style and if it doesn't make sense all that much, I am sorry. I just wanted this to be perfect. **

**I want it to be perfect for one reason; I am dedicating it to an incredibly amazing rusher who probably doesn't really even know I exist. Her name is Michelle, or _SpiderSchmidt_ on twitter. She is one of the sweetest rushers that I have meet and she affects people more than she even realizes, she helps people more than she probably realizes too. She helped me learn that my depression shouldn't rule my life and I need to work against it to keep myself moving forward in life. She also told me that if I dedicate myself to someone or some cause I could over come anything. She just found out she has enough money to go and see BTR VIP this summer on the next tour, so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to write this for her. **

**Michelle, I hope you love this and that you realize how much the rusher community would mourn you if we ever lost you. **

**Thank You.**

* * *

"Hey Guys, check this one out." James said as he lifted out a beaten up journal from one of the gift bags that the guys had received during the meet and greet earlier that day. The other three gathered around him as he untied the bow on the side and allowing the journal to unfold in his lap. There were pictures, magazine articles and newspaper clippings galore stuck into this notebook when looking through it on first inspection.

"This is so cool." Carlos said, pulling out one of the news articles from a Chicago newspaper talking about their concert the previous year.

But in and amongst the pictures, articles and clippings, there was delicate handwriting, depicting the struggles faced by this one fan throughout her life.

"Mind if I read this?" Kendall asked, reaching for the journal out of James's lap.

"Sure. Go right ahead." James replied, passing it over his shoulder to his blond friend.

Sitting down, Kendall flipped back to the first page. Reading about the pains of a girl that no one should have to go through.

_Dear Big Time Rush…._

* * *

_November 28, 2009_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_I thought that having the typical 'Dear Journal' would be a little cliché, so here we go. _

_I saw you guys on TV for the first time today, Big Time Audition. You guys were so funny, I couldn't help but laugh at your antics. Especially you Kendall. _

_You are AWESOME. _

_Somehow you guys helped me forget about things for a while, and it was nice. I can't wait for the next episode to premier. _

_-Michelle_

* * *

_December 13, 2009_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_6.8_

_6.8 million viewers. Isn't that astounding, that is the largest live action premier in all of Nick history. You have to be proud of yourselves. You did great. _

_I love the song Big Time Rush too. It helps me realize I can't give up yet. I have to keep going no matter what. I wonder what will come your way next time, what is next for big time rush?_

_I know one thing for sure. You guys are going to be huge. _

_-Michelle_

* * *

_February 14, 2010_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_It's Valentines day, and I can't help but hope that somehow one of you guys would be my valentine this year. _

_You all are so sweet and caring and down to earth. You are normal. _

_You aren't like any other celebrity out there, no drugs, no alcohol. Just James, Carlos, Kendall and Logan. It's refreshing. The TV show has been amazing, and I can't wait for you to release more music in the future. _

_I also wish that my teachers didn't take our ipods away in the hallways. I could listen to your songs all day long. It drowns the names out. _

_Have I mentioned that I get called names in here yet? I guess not. _

_It doesn't matter anyways. I am fat, I am ugly. I am worthless. _

_It's all true. _

_-Michelle_

* * *

"Hey ugly!"

"She is so fat, I don't know what she is trying to prove."

I heard the whispers and the taunts as I walked quickly to my next class.

Tears burned the back of my eyes and I desperately wished it would all end.

I pulled my ipod out and snuck the headphones into my ears. Listening to Big Time Rush's latest single to keep the voices out of my head.

Or at least further out than what they already were.

I rubbed my wrist subconsciously, pushing my bracelets up slightly to look at the scars there, pressing on them harder to make them hurt.

Physical pain. I could deal with the pain.

Emotional pain.

Bullying.

Worthless.

I couldn't deal with it.

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be here.

* * *

_July 16, 2010_

_Dear Big Time Rush,_

_Happy Birthday James! _

_Figured I would start this entry out with something light hearted, because it is getting harder everywhere else. _

_Would it be totally dorky to sing happy birthday through a journal? I don't think so!_

_Happy Birthday to you!_

_Happy Birthday to you! _

_Happy Birthday Dear James!_

_Happy Birthday to you!_

_There we go! Birthday made! Hehe. Even I have to laugh at myself here, even though I don't laugh. _

_Nothing ever seems funny any more._

_Life has become worse. The bullying has gotten worse. _

_They think that I don't know what they say about me! I do! And they don't need to constantly talk about me like I'm not even here. I'm a human being too. I have feelings. They don't know about my life, they don't know about my family. They don't know about how my parents fight, or how my dad drinks. Or how I cut. _

_I think I've said enough for one day….._

_-Michelle_

* * *

I looked at myself in the mirror, noticing the dark circles under my eyes, how hollow my cheeks looked.

Pshh. My cheeks. Hollow! That isn't true. I am fat, just like everyone says I am.

I squinted my eyes shut and choked back a sob. Tears streamed down my face as I dug through my bathroom draw and picking my razor out. I took the protective case off and pressed the edge to my wrist. I dragged it across my wrist lightly, drawing up a faint line of blood. I moved the razor and did it again.

Fat

Ugly

Worthless

Unloved

Uncared for

Worthless piece of shit

I didn't stop until my wrist was a bloody mess. I grabbed toilet paper and cleaned myself up, careful not to disturb the new scabs that were forming. I placed my bracelets on and went down to dinner, like nothing had ever happened.

* * *

_October 11, 2010_

_Dear Big Time Rush,_

_OMG! Just came out today! I am loving this album. _

_I really love Boyfriend, Count on You, I Know you Know, Till I Forget About You, well, basically all of them. There is nothing that can really describe how I am feeling, maybe except proud. I am not afraid to admit that Worldwide made me cry too. _

_A song about loving a girl so much that you would let her go. It's amazing. _

_I would love to feel that kind of love. _

_I know in one of my previous entries, probably further back than anything else I have written recently. I mentioned cutting. _

_I think I finally feel comfortable enough to talk about it here. _

_I mean, this journal is just for my thoughts and I don't plan on sharing it with anyone, but I feel like I have to worry about someone coming and taking it and making me more embarrassed and bullied than ever. _

_Should I really call what is happening to me bullying anyways?_

_Or should it be called Harrassment?_

_I don't know if there is much of a difference anymore._

_But back to my original point, the cutting. _

_It helps._

_I can live with physical pain. _

_Emotional pain hurts too much. _

_And I can't stop. _

_-Michelle_

* * *

_August 13, 2011_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_Carlos, it is almost your 22 Birthday! I can't wait. _

_But I can't find it in myself to be happy. What is there to be happy about anymore anyways. _

_I have no friends and I hear the whispers all the time._

"_Have you seen her scars?"_

"_She's emo."_

"_Why don't you just kill yourself?"_

"_Nobody wants you."_

"_What a freak."_

"_Just stay away from me."_

_It all just hurts so much. _

_It goes away when I am listening to your music and watching the show. But it isn't helping like it used to. _

_I find myself turning to my razor way too often. _

_And even past that, I think more and more about what it would be like it I just didn't exist. _

_Because I don't really want to any more._

_-Michelle._

* * *

_November 2, 2011_

_Dear Big Time Rush,_

_Happy Birthday Kendall. _

_How is it even possible to be happy about anything any more? I wish I could have met you. _

_Maybe that would turn my life around? Maybe it wouldn't. But it's set. I just need to figure out how I am going to do it._

_Cutting? No, too slow._

_Hanging? Don't want my parents to see me. _

_Pills….._

_-Michelle._

* * *

_November 20, 2011. _

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_This is the last time I am ever going to write you. Maybe once I die I can have someone send this to you, just so you know at this point what you meant to me. Because that is what I am going to do. _

_You guys mean the world to me. _

_You kept me going longer than I ever expect I would have if I had never watched Big Time audition 2 years ago. I would have never grown to love 4 goofy boys turned pop stars and brothers by sheer luck. But this may end up being shorter than I expected, because I can't put into words how thankful I am for ever getting the pleasure to grow up knowing you. _

_Thank you. _

_I love you. _

_For the final time_

_-Michelle_

* * *

_November 21, 2011_

_Dear Big Time Rush,_

_I'm sorry._

_And….Thank you._

_-Michelle_

* * *

_December 30, 2011_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_It's been a while hasn't it. _

_I don't know if I should apologize or thank you. _

_I think I should go for the thank you. _

_Thank you Carlos. _

_Thanks for writing Invisible. _

_Because I know for a fact with out it I would be dead. _

_I realized that I'm really not the only one who felt that way, and that I'm a worthy person. I was doubled over crying after I heard that song. The lyrics were so powerful. Big Time Rush, and that song itself, saved my life. _

_So…Thanks._

_-Michelle_

* * *

_February 27, 2012_

_Dear Big Time Rush,_

_You guys are touring again. _

_I've seen the pictures. I want to go see a show so bad, but you aren't coming to where I live. _

_And my parents won't let me see the show anyway. We don't have the money they said. Yeah, because my dad spends it all on his alcohol. _

_Maybe next time. _

_-Michelle._

* * *

_July 19, 2012_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_Oh, My Gosh! I got to go to the Big Time Summer Tour and see you perform!_

_And I loved every minute of it. Sure, I didn't get to meet you this time, but I promise. You will meet me one of these days. _

_Back to what I was saying, I don't think I have ever screamed so loud for so long. _

_The feeling was amazing. _

_I brought my camera with me so I could capture the moment forever. _

_Kendall- you looked at me. You pointed right at me and made a heart out of your hands. _

_In that moment alone I had never felt so loved. _

_Not even from my parents. _

_You loved me. _

_But it isn't the way I love you. _

_I depend on you. _

_But you don't depend on me. _

_Not everything had been 100% awesome since my…suicide attempt. _

_Things don't magically turn around. _

_Like I really expected them to anyways. _

_All I know is that I listen to cover girl and invisible and you're not alone every day. _

_Those three songs alone get me through the day._

_But I don't make it unharmed. _

_I still have the bracelets. _

_I still have the razor. _

_I still cut. _

_But I want to stop. I don't really want to do it anymore, but I need to cut to get through the pain. _

_All I want to be is normal. _

_-Michelle_

* * *

_December 15, 2012_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_Things in my house are getting worse._

_We don't have any money so I don't get anything for Christmas. _

_Of course, neglect the child because you need to feed your own addictions. _

_At least hear my silent cries for help. _

_Do you not see my scars? Because I want you to._

_Do you not hear me cry to sleep at night? I want you to. _

_Do you ever think about being sober for once? I want you to. I wish you were. All the time. _

_I guess there isn't much to say with this one. Carlos and James, enjoy the holidays with Halston and Alexa. Kendall and Logan. Do Kogan. _

_Lol_

_-Michelle_

* * *

_January 1, 2013_

_Dear Big Time Rush, _

_This is my year. I am going to be clean. No more cutting._

_All thanks to you guys. _

_Your rushers and my friends are all supporting me and giving me the courage I need to get help. _

_So once again._

_Thank you._

_-Michelle._

* * *

_February 12, 2013._

_Dear Big Time Rush. _

_Guess what!_

_I AM MEETING YOU ON YOUR NEXT TOUR! WOOHOO!_

_Have I ever mentioned how much I loved windows down? Probably in most entries when I say woo hoo anyways. _

_I finally get to tell you all about what you have done for me. And I have never been more excited or scared in my life. _

_I am not only going to be able to tell you my stories, but those of other rushers out there. Because I want you guys to know how much you affect everyone else who is a part of the rusher fandom._

_-Michelle_

* * *

_July 3, 2013_

_Dear Big Time Rush,_

_I am meeting you today! And I can't wait. I have so many things that I can't wait for you to read, including this journal. _

_I know I have mentioned previously in one of my first entries that I didn't want anyone to read this, but I have come to terms with my past. _

_Did you know I have been clean since the 22 of January. _

_I got counciling and therapy and I can finally say I am growing to become completely happy with myself. _

_And I have you guys to thank for it. _

_Thinking back on those days when I was oblivious to how obsessed I was going to become over the guys is actually pretty funny. But, I would never, ever go back and change a thing. I love the guys, and everything they do. I've been here since the beginning, and I'm never going to leave. I didn't know it then, but that very day, that every second, that very moment when those 4 hockey playing dorks from Minnesota fought their way to fame, was the moment I became a Rusher. And I'm never going back._

_-xoxo Michelle_

* * *

"Kendall" He snapped his head up at the sound of his name.

"what?" Kendall cleared his throat. It was hoarse and sounded like he had been crying.

"Are you okay over there? You haven't lifted your eyes away from that book in over an hour. You've been crying as well man." Carlos explained, coming over to sit next to him.

Without warning Kendall pulled him into a tight embrace, burying his head into Carlos' shoulder.

"Okay man, you are scaring me a little it here."

"Thank you." Was all Kendall whispered. He got up, grabbed the journal and his phone, and walked outside back to the busses.

Opening up twitter, he composed a new tweet.

_Michelle, thanks for this, and thank you for living, you are an inspiration. I love you._

He took a picture of the journal and tagged the girl's twitter username in there and sent out the tweet. Only seconds later he pulled her profile up, following this amazing rusher as well.

He immediately saw her tweets about how he had read the journal and how him tweeting her was the greatest thing to ever happen in her life, and he couldn't help but smile. That was one story that he never had to hear from another rusher again.

So that night, when it was time to pull Worldwide girls, he looked out into the audience, and placing his microphone to his lips, he said, "Where is Spider Schmidt? Where is Michelle? Where is MY Cover Girl?"

* * *

**Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I am only going to say that the journal entries aren't all that would be in a normal journal. I only picked dates that made sense to pick out. Michelle. I hope you love this! Review please.**


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